Published Dec. 31, 2004
Personal space a valuable lesson
Personal safety can be strengthened by teaching children to value their personal space. Children can be taught from an early age that the degree of closeness they maintain is up to them. Some children enjoy hugs and kisses from everyone, including one another. Other children are shy or more reserved in their displays of affection. Even infants have an individual comfort level regarding personal space.
The holidays are a good time to talk about this with children. During this season it is common to see relatives or friends who we otherwise see but rarely. From the child’s point of view, the relative may look like a complete stranger. If they see Aunt Mary only once a year, why should they want to kiss her? They might not even remember who Aunt Mary is!
Parents, who know the child better than anyone else, need to recognize the verbal and nonverbal signals that the child is sending out. If he doesn’t want to kiss Aunt Mary, it is important that parents respect this decision and help the child carry through on it.
Of course, the problem can be as much with Aunt Mary as with the child. How can we tactfully let her know that she is demanding too much without hurting her feelings?
1. "Emily is not much of a hugger and kisser these days. She really likes better to have you read her a book or sit with her while she watches a favorite video."
2. "Tom is so young that he doesn’t always have all the family members sorted out. After he has had the chance to get to know you, he might be more ready for hugs and kisses."
3. "Emily has just learned how to ‘high five’ (or shake hands when meeting people) and she’d love to practice with you."
4. "Tom has to be in the mood to kiss and hug. He doesn’t seem to want to do that right now. I guess everyone feels like that at times."
If the relationship with Aunt Mary is strong, a parent might even explain what they are teaching the child. Perhaps Aunt Mary has never thought through the request that her nieces and nephews hug and kiss her, even when they might not want to do so.
And maybe she has good ideas to share about ways in which to teach personal safety lessons to children in the family. It is a topic that can lead to productive discussion and ideas about how to work together as a family to help children develop strong safety skills.